Lamont and Dude Discuss Jealousy, uh er, Envy


Dear Person, I wish you were dead. Best, Lamont

“That’s awful, Lamont. You’re not supposed to wish people dead.”

“I know, redundant, right? But at least one wish that’s going to come true for sure. What other letter would you write to someone you’re jealous of? What a stupid prompt. What’s WP’s obsession with jealousy? And why haven’t they learned the difference between jealousy and envy?”

“Good point. I think they’re thinking about envy, not jealousy, but maybe it’s just a semantics thing.”

“In my numerous lifetimes, I’ve learned that I’m just not going to like everybody. There are always going to be creatures that rub me the wrong way, either because they’re too dumb to see which direction my fur goes, when I’m in a furry iteration, or they’re just anathema to me.”

“I’ve found that, too. I’m just not going to like everyone and there might be some I envy, but whatever.”

“Exactly. Would you write a letter to one of those, you know, that you envy?”

“All depends if I have opposable thumbs in that incarnation or not.”

“Say you do.”

“I might have to. I might have a job as a secretary or maybe I’m one of those guys, you know, from one of those less-literate ages, that writes letters for others? Who’s to say one of those guys won’t hire me to write a letter to the guy next door who has a bigger, uh, donkey than I have or the guy my wife REALLY loves and this guy just happens to be my customer’s friend? It has happened.”

“Were you a street scribe, Dude?”

“Yeah, that time you were a goose. You don’t remember, Lamont? I had to rather forcefully remove your tail feather in order to do my work that day? You didn’t like it one bit.”

“I thought of hiring you to write to you to complain about your treatment of me, but, I was just a goose. How could I tell you?”

“You did shit on my shoe.”

“There was no hidden message in that, Dude. I was a goose. We shit everywhere.”


9 thoughts on “Lamont and Dude Discuss Jealousy, uh er, Envy

  1. I think I am envious of people who get jobs that pay a lot and it doesn’t matter how bad they perform, or how little they accomplish. They get all kinds of benefits and kudos and promotions as if incompetence is its own reward. Well, actually, maybe not. I always hated jobs where I was just serving time. They were boring and frustrating. There’s no satisfaction (for me) is a 9-0-5 (come in at 9, do 0, go home at 5) job.

    Shit on a shoe is a very straightforward message. There have been moments …

  2. I no longer do jealousy. Lamont summed it up well. Today I am annoyed with this prompt, but I should not talk about it, just be pleasant and enjoy the repeats.

    • 😀 Yeah, Lamont is awesome. I’m grateful for his/her existence especially when there’s a stupid prompt or when I was making up exercises for writing classes.

    • I’m thinking about that. Some of my favorite posts are the one’s where Lamont is being interviewed about his other lives. The stuff he says is just wrong to the ears of people around right now, but if we remembered our incarnations we’d probably have a much different perspective on our petty human obsessions. We probably wouldn’t have petty human obsessions if we remembered being stepped on when we were a spider or chasing down our best friend for dinner, literally.

  3. There would certainly be fewer PHO’s, for sure. (But as long as we humans still have ’em, Dude and Lamont have endless material to work with!)

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