Lamont and the Bark Beetle — Lamont Returns to Oprah

Setting: Oprah TV set, filming, Lamont on stage with Oprah, continuing his interview.

“What was the best, Lamont?”

“The best, Oprah? I should say you were the best, I know that, but 1) I never did you and 2) I don’t think you would be the best.”

“Your best iteration.”

“That depends what ‘best’ means. It was easy being a dinosaur. It’s always easy being intellectually dim (but no dimmer than others) and enormous. You have a lot of power over everything, so you can just smash anyone or anything that gets in your way, you know? You’re invincible, or you think you are, so, naturally, I kind of liked being a velociraptor there until the end.”

“The asteroid?”

“Dark times. Dark Times.”

“What else was good, you know, maybe you can figure it out now?”

“Some species have been around so long that I’ve had more than once chance. Ferns, for example. The problem with being a fern is two-fold. 1) you’re eaten. 2) any small climate change toward warm and dry and you’re toast. But, as I’ve said before, I like best being a tree. It’s a little static, I’ll grant you, but you do see the world in a quiet, unhurried way. Your predators are small and sure, they might kill you, but not like a meteorite. Sky gets dark fast, you look up, big ass rock hurtling at you, you run in panic, but where are you going to go? I mean, give it UP man.”

“What predators did you have when you were a tree?”

“A major predator is the bark beetle. Nasty little bastard. I  may have been one, once, I don’t know. Creatures like that have brains too small and lives too short to register in the long run. Of course the same can be said for most of the voters in the United States.”

“Let’s take a break for a word from our sponsor then back to your best, Lamont. Coming up on our show are Miley Cyrus with demonstrating exercises to improve tongue flexibility and North West is here later to talk about her first sex tape.”


“We back with Lamont who’s come back on our show to tell us about his best iteration. Welcome back, Lamont.”

“Thanks, Oprah. Nice to be back.”

“This is what, your third visit to our show?”

“I think so. I wasn’t sure about coming back but I decided, ‘What the hey. Third time’s a charm, right?'”

5 thoughts on “Lamont and the Bark Beetle — Lamont Returns to Oprah

  1. Yes beware the bark beetle, we are still fighting them in Switzerland, although they seem to be slowly reducing their numbers, probably due to natural circumstances. Perhaps Lamont could be invited to a Swiss TV programme to advise how to get rid of them completely. They love bark beetle experts in Switzerland.

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