Lamont and Dude Discuss the Semantics of Nature

“Oh man, that’s hilarious.”

“What, Lamont?”

“That guy on TV. He just said, ‘It’s not in the natural order of things’.”

“What’s so funny about that?”

“Who is he? God? Humans are always saying things like that. ‘Mother Nature knows best’ is my favorite. Nature doesn’t have ‘knowledge’ and it doesn’t have gender. It’s just, you know, IT.”

“Sounds like you’re doing the same thing, Lamont. Telling me what nature is.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Sorry. It’s hard to discuss it without coming off like that, but you know what I mean. It almost doesn’t bear discussion.”

“A lot of times people mean ‘not fake’ when they say something’s ‘natural’ like ‘It’s natural that a Smilodon would take down a mammoth’. ”

“That’s a piss poor example, Dude. You cheated. You used the tarpits. You’d never have done it alone.”

“Cunning, Lamont, cunning. Cats are cunning creatures when it comes to capturing prey. It’s part of feline nature. OK, see that girl over there? The pretty one? In the rash guard and bikini bottoms?”

“I see her.”

“OK. She’s just sitting there, looking out at Mother Ocean. She has her board beside her, kelp in her hair, like she had a good ride and is kicking back in the shallow waves, enjoying the whole experience. That’s a natural thing to do. You know what I mean?”

“Sure, if it’s talking about appearance or behavior of a particular creature, it makes sense, but to say, ‘That’s not what nature intended!’ and pound the table in emphasis, Dude, don’t you think that’s going too far? It’s laughable! I mean if something exists, wouldn’t one suppose nature ‘intended’ it to be there? What other source for anything IS there?”

“I don’t think I understand what you just said.”

“That’s my point. Who is privvy to the intents of nature?”


“Well, back in the old days…”

“That’s a toilet, Lamont.”

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