Yesterday I talked to one of my cousins, the remaining son of my Aunt Jo and Uncle Hank. It seems my Aunt Jo — 94 and dealing with dementia — is on the way out. That right there is not news. The word “imminent” is the big change. My cousin — whom I like very much — and I talked a long time. He doesn’t like his mother much, and I thought it’s interesting how most of the cousins — children of my mom’s sisters — don’t like their mothers much. Something in the gritty past of all those girls left them warped in some mysterious way. They could all be very, very mean given the right (or wrong) concatenation of events.

After my cousin and I talked, I was very sad. I love my Aunt Jo and she has been unfailingly kind and loving to me. I owe her many of my good memories, some of my good habits as well as the knowledge everyone needs that they are loved.

I fed the dogs but didn’t feel like cooking or eating supper at all. I’d told my cousin i would come up to Montana, so I sat down and tried to find a good air fare and a place to stay. “I still have the folks’ house,” he’d said, “but there are no beds in it. I don’t feel right about you spending all that money to come up here and stay in a hotel and all that.”

I haven’t gone to Montana for 7 years for that very reason. To fly, stay somewhere and board the dogs is a huge chunk of change. It’s more than a garage door. It’s a third of a garage roof. It’s money I don’t have.

Finally I gave up. I couldn’t think clearly, anyway. Memories and images of past moments pressed against my eyes; I could SEE them. I sneaked out the back door with Bear and went to the slough. Besides sadness, I was carrying loneliness. When someone we love dies — or stands on the brink of death — loneliness is part and parcel of mourning.

It was nearly 7, an hour away from sunset. A good wind was blowing, promising rain to someone but not to us. Perfect. The light was soft and healing. The clouds blue gray. We hit the trail. I noticed the milkweed were still blooming, and I wondered if I’d ever see a monarch butterfly (I never had). Soon, I did. She flitted up above Bear and then in front of my face. “Bear, we’ve finally seen a Monarch butterfly,” I almost whispered to my dog who was watching it fly away.

We turned the corner and there in the near distance stood a large mule deer doe. I was downwind of her so she was calm and unaware of me for a while, then the wind shifted for a second or two, and she looked right at me. I watched her. Bear was very still. The doe finally decided that while I didn’t seem to be a threat, better safe than sorry, and went bounding back in the direction from which she’d come. I watched her go and saw her stop in the tall chamisa a ways away, still watching me. Bear and I continued. A large bird approached and flew overhead; an osprey.

The greatest delight which the fields and woods minister, is the suggestion of an occult relation between man and the vegetable. I am not alone and unacknowledged. They nod to me, and I to them.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Nature”



10 thoughts on “Famdamily

  1. A mule deer has big ears like a mule. Not that I have ever seen one or heard of one, but I looked it up in Wikipedia and saw a photo. The biggest thing we get here is a bull and then only perhaps one in the herd if at all – these days it all happens by mystical ways in the breeding station and the bulls rarely have fun.
    I realised last week that my dad was the last to go from all of that generation. My oldest aunt passed away a couple of years ago three days before her 100th birthday and my dad went last year. And so I realised, with Mr. Swiss, that we are now the oldest generation. Gives you a funny feeling and food for thought. Anyone coming from England to see me off – definitely not, but I will no longer be going to England.

    • The deer was beautiful. I’ve never seen one so sleek or large. In California they don’t have the good food they have here. I was very happy to see her.

      Don’t tell your bulls about the San Luis Valley. While some of the cows are injected with their ideal mate, most of them get to caper and gambol in the fields as in old times. Right now many of them are up in the mountains for that specific purpose (and to eat grass).

      I realized this morning that nothing has really changed re: my aunt except that I talked to my cousin. She’s still where she’s been for the past few years and pretty much how she’s been. She would not (probably) know me if I appeared at “the home” and I don’t have any place to stay up there. I can’t turn back time or do anything. If I go up, it will be for the funeral so I can be moral support for my cousin and maybe an overnight trip at a reduced fare. That sounds awful, but reality isn’t always what we wish it was.

  2. Sigh! Photobucket is trying to get me to upgrade this way. Used to be able to post images this way.


  3. I have the same problem with family stuff. I want to go, but I add up plane fare or hours of driving and motels and food on the road and we can’t do it. Not for his family or mine, not any more. I suppose fortunately, almost everyone is gone now, so it has become something of a moot point.

    • I am just going to take my cousin’s advice. He says when it’s all over, he’ll come down and visit me. He’s free and dogless and can stay here, so it’s really a different journey for him than it would be for me. If my going up there would help anyone or change anything, it would be different, but it won’t help anyone or change anything. 😦

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