Off the Periodic Charts


“What’s that face for?”

“What face? This is my face.”

“You know what I’m talking about. Why were you looking at me that way?”

“What way?”

“Never mind.”

“Taffy, c’mon. What’s wrong? What did I do?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’m just, I don’t know.” Taffy looked like she might cry.

“Your period?”

“What is WITH you? You blame everything on my period.”

“No, sweet cheeks. YOU blame everything on your period.”

“Well, what if it is?” Taffy burst into tears.

“Oh, honey. In another twenty or thirty years, you won’t have to worry about this any more.” Drake put his arms around his girlfriend.

“You’ll like, that, won’t you.”

“Uh, yeah. But listen, babe. Is it this dramatic for everyone?”

“I don’t know. I’m NOT everyone. You want everyone? What’s wrong with ME?”

“No, babe. Listen, I’m just thinking there might be some way for you to go through this without so much paranoia and tears.”

“That would be nice,” Taffy nodded.

“Yeah, wouldn’t it?”

“I do tend to get pretty upset, don’t I?”

“Yeah. It’s hell. For YOU, I mean. For you it’s hell.” Drake knew he’d just dodged a bullet. “Tell you what. Let’s look into it, OK? You have a doc you like and trust. We’ll start there. Maybe it’s a hormonal thing, and she can give you a pill or something.”

“OK,” sobbed Taffy, snuggling closer to Drake.

“Honey, I have to go to work. We’ll finish this talk later on, when I get home, OK? You call your doc’s office and set something up.”

“You’re LEAVING me? You can’t LEAVE me.”

“You have to go to work, too, honey.”

“Oh God. HOW?”

“Go wash your face, get dressed, get in your car and go, like every day.”


“And call your doc.”


“Bye.” He kissed her gently on the lips and went out the front door. He hadn’t gone 10 steps before he was hit in the back of the head by a patent leather pump.

“Oh well,” he shrugged. “Love hurts.”

16 thoughts on “Off the Periodic Charts

  1. I suppose we all have our days where things are a little different. Of course there is also “man flu” which is far worse because you never know when it arrives. At least we women are predictable.

    • Having taught more than 5,000 post-adolescent girls in my life, and having been a woman biologically since I was 9, I feel pretty confident that the monthly personality change is very common. Men do have their own thing, absolutely, and one problem women have had is that the male pattern has, for centuries, been the defiinition of normal.

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