Ballistic Satire

“What’s up honey? How was your day?”

“I’ve had better. Yours?”

“Oh, you know. Lots of manufactured drama.”

“Be glad it was manufactured.”

“You look kind of down.”

“I am. Look at this.” Sharon handed her husband the paper she’d found in her mailbox at school.

“WTF? They can’t be serious.”

“They are. Arming us is cheaper than hiring more security guards.”

“And you get to buy your own gun and pay for the training? Honey, you’re not the least conversant in matters ballistic and your temper when the family is here for Christmas? Yikes!”

“Yeah, that’s exactly WHY I shouldn’t be armed at all ever.”

“I know those kids can push your buttons pretty hard sometimes.”

Sharon nodded. “I agree. I don’t want to — can you imagine? The school can’t even supply fucking white board markers and erasers for a whole year, and now GUNS?”

“Whatever was wrong with chalkboards?”

“Nothing and they were virtually free once they were up. What’s cheaper than chalk?”

“OK. So you have to supply your weapon, pay for its ammo and pay for your training.”


“Where’s the gun going to be kept? In your desk drawer? Locked? So you fumble around for a key while someone’s shooting?”

“They’re talking about a centralized gun locker.”

“Oh yeah, that’s smart. You get a shooter in your classroom. You raise your hand and say, ‘Excuse me Joey, but I have to go down the hall to the principal’s office and get my gun out of the gun locker’? Why?”

“I guess the idea is that in the event of a shooting we ALL go to the gun locker and THEN to the classroom that’s in trouble, an army of people in hand-knit sweaters and soft-soled shoes.”

“Those things are over in 3 minutes.”

“Reality and logic have no currency here.”

“Couldn’t you just assign a gun monitor? I bet there are already kids in your class who know all about using a gun and own one.”

“Right? Hand me that bottle of Scotch, would you?”

“You don’t drink.”

“I do now.”


Caveat: I’m not anti-gun. I’m not against the responsible use of shotguns, muzzle loaders or bows and arrows for hunting food. I’m equivocal about rifles but pretty OK with them for hunting. I’m good with people being trained to use firearms. I am NOT OK with weapons designed to kill people being in the possession of private individuals. I am cognizant of the difficulty — I had a student who was an arms dealer. He ended up in the penitentiary, but I actually got a ride home from him once and, without my knowing it, I was also riding with some pretty heavy weaponry. Other than the gun dealer thing, he was a very nice guy, but there was a lot of money in weapons smuggling.

I lived in a neighborhood where there was a lot of violence — including gun violence — and I saw a man die of a gunshot wound. I don’t know the story behind it — jealous husband, angry brother, drug deal gone bad — I don’t know, but he died on the street right in front of me and the Boys on Bikes. It was — sorry, no adjective.

California, around that same time, instituted gun laws that drastically reduced the number of gun-related fatalities. I am really OK with reducing that statistic. Reducing it is better than nothing.

29 thoughts on “Ballistic Satire

  1. I ive in a country where every able bodied man has a rifle at home because he is in the army. I cannot say we have no problems with it, we do, but nothing sensational or every day and the rifles are to be used if you are in active service. There is ammunition supplied with the rifle in a sealed box which is only to be opened in case of war at the command of your officer. We have no school kids shooting other school kids, just saying.

    • I know. The Second Ammendment (which gun people yell about) specifies a “Well regulated militia” like Switzerland has. Gun fanatics ignore that (important) little bit of language in the Constitution because it doesn’t support their $$$$ interests. 😦

  2. I’m with you. Very few things are cured by more of the issue. One doesn’t get over flu by having it more frequently, heat stroke by turning up the furnace. We quit rubbing snow on frostbite some years back. More guns to treat gun violence.
    Sure, I bet this gasoline will smother the fire.

  3. There’s thinking outside the box but…. wtf? I know some pretty loosely hinged teachers. Whose going to monitor the ones that get the guns? And oh my god, I can’t talk about it, it’s so absurd that I am, for once, at a loss for words! Jeeeeze! Louise!!!!!!!!!! and 20 OMG’s besides!

    • There were a couple of times in my classroom when I felt endangered, seriously. What if I’d had a gun rather than a way to call university security?

      • I know, seriously there are two sides to every situation. It’s not easy to solve. I wished I could send you an address made to either congress or the senate, not sure which as they covered the speech. It sure as hell made a lot of sense to me. I’ll go check out the speaker’s name. I was going to post it, but it’s a really hot subject and most wouldn’t take the 5 min. to listen. I thought he made incredible sense. I’ll find it and text you .

        • I do not think there is one answer to this and I don’t think there are two sides. It’s a problem that MUST be solved; not solving it is just plain wrong. I don’t think just ONE thing will solve it. I think it will need to be a combination of things, but I don’t know what they are. The facts (objective true facts) are available to anyone. They can (of course) be spun. People can look at them selectively or not at all and think their “beliefs” and desires are facts. All kind of stuff. But there is no reasonable dispute over the fact that someone shooting into a crowd of people has no right to do that.

          • Of course not! No one has the right to take another life, except in self defense. I couldn’t do it, my son said he could but he’d be a basket case the rest of his life, shooting a kid to protect others in the school situation. I personally am terrified of guns. Personal experience. Insanity is the issue as I see it. Unfortunately the crazy’s are winning out. I understand the 2nd amendment and why the constitution was written as is, to actually protect it’s own citizens which, as far as I can see as a necessary evil. I believe anyone that sells a gun should be held responsible to a degree because the checks and balances are in place. Unless a “young” person is accompanied by an adult, I don’t believe they should be sold a gun, especially a semi-automatic. I don’t know if that’s an alternative that would work or not…it’s a confusing issue to be sure.

            • The constitution says specifically “A well regulated militia” which random gun owners do not constitute. Anyone can be crazy for an hour, fifteen minutes, five minutes. I think we have an army and national guard to protect our citizens. I don’t have an answer to this. It’s a crazy situation and I see how other nations have dealt it and I don’t know why we can’t follow their lead.

  4. States that have installed laws to control guns have lowered rates of gun violence. No matter how they try and skew those statistics, that’s the truth. Fewer guns means less gun violence and I’m completely flummoxed by people who refuse to see it. EVERY statistic supports it.

  5. Trump seems entirely willing to make any decision to avoid restricting or controlling gun use. Hardly surprising considering his extreme bias on the situation.
    I think the only hope of addressing these issues sadly will have to come at the start of the next presidency because no amount of campaigning seems to be enough to shift the current one.

    • I agree with you. I’m also wondering whether we have to look to this or any president for leadership on this. I think the people themselves have power and maybe some regulation could come at the state level as happened in California back in the early 90s.

        • You never know. Sometimes it takes something like this for people to get their shit together and realize that they, themselves, can actually do something. I have to look on the bright side because despair is just a dead end. 🙂

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