Lamont and Dude Discuss the Miss America Pageant

Hey Dude, listen to this: “The Miss America pageant will end its swimsuit competition. ‘We are not going to judge you on your outward appearance,’ the chairwoman said.” New York Times

“What Lamont?”

“No more swimsuits in the Miss America Pageant.”


“Yeah. Probably replace it with a sitcom.”

“Why not?”

“Superficial. Female proportions are now considered superficial.”

“That’s bullshit. They’re not superficial. I remember back in the day — do you, Lamont? Our Neanderthal times?”

“I wasn’t there, Dude.”

“Oh right. Homosapien.”

“Through and through.”

“You think.”

“I know!”

“I didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers, Lamont. So what’s the thing with the bathing suits?”

“It’s not getting the ratings it once did, and it’s now considered misogynistic.”

“Ah. Back in the day…”

“We didn’t wear clothes back in the day, not us nor you low-browed, knuckle-draggers. The way I see it, the beauty contest is one way to illustrate how powerfully the homosapiens prevailed.”

“It’s not about that, Lamont. It’s about if a pack of dire wolves or smilodon is after your family can your wife pick up a couple of kids and run away. I think that’s the underlying motive behind the swimsuit competition. The winner should be the one most likely to survive.”

“I get your point, Dude, but that doesn’t explain that lumpy little Venus of whatever, you know?”

“Willendorf. And we don’t call her ‘Venus’ any more. Just ‘Woman of Willendorf’.”

“Whatever. That perpetually pregnant lump of rock used to justify modern obesity.”

“That was our dream, Lamont. You know, for a guy who remembers his oak tree days so well and can reminisce over his moments of bearness with such detail memories, you really seem to have blotted out a lot from your human iterations.”

“I didn’t like them much. What do you mean ‘that was our dream’?”

“Plenty to eat and no predators to run from.”

“I guess we’re there now.”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

12 thoughts on “Lamont and Dude Discuss the Miss America Pageant

  1. Ah, Dude, I share your despair. I too miss the days when I could slouch around, hair-assed naked and stumpy snake swingin’, thumpin’ any sprightly young philly on the head with my oaken cudgel that I wanted, and drag her off to the nearest cozy cave. Ah, the golden age of life as a MAN!

  2. It isn’t that I’ve ever seriously watched beauty pageants … but if they aren’t about physical beauty, then … um … what ARE they about? Why not give them up and go for a spelling bee?

    • Right? I think they are about biological viability whatever we want to say they’re about. Who cares if a woman is a ventriloquist or can sing the national anthem on her knees?

  3. Things keep changing, Guys. You know this better than most. As you might imagine, I am not a beauty queen type. And at the same time, I dislike being told no for what I consider to be arbitrary reasons. Imagine my entertainment when I got mad some years back when I read a blurb in the paper that Miss America had a top age limit of 35. I was over that and pissed that they wouldn’t take me. As If. It entertains me still, this limit biz.

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