Lamont and Dude Confront Reality

“Remember the volcanoes, Lamont? The beautiful flares of flame from a distance? I’d love to see that again. What’s wrong, buddy?”

“Yeah. Wish I’d known then what I know now.”


“You know. About seismic events.”

“Oh you mean when the earth moves.”

“Yes, Dude. I’m glad the girl down the boardwalk finally recognized your peculiar, I mean indisputable, charms.”

“I didn’t mean that. I meant volcanoes, earthquakes, asteroids, meteors and the like. What are you reading?”

“I’m reading about the meteor crater. Dude, I think our memories are seriously messed up. It seems we’ve conflated events, locales, everything. No wonder everyone laughs at me on television and thinks I’m a stand up comic.”

“No, Lamont. Your memories are fine. You just got the meteor wrong. We were no where near Arizona, and neither was the meteor. It was in the Yucatan. And the meteor didn’t kill us. It was the stuff that came after, the dust cloud, the sulphur dioxide released into the atmosphere, the resulting drastic cooling of the Earth’s atmosphere that killed plant life. Animals starved. We never ‘ran away’ from the meteor. The way I remember it, we went around eating carcasses for a while until, well, I got some bad meat, man. You were still there, but maybe you ate some too.”

“How prosaic. But, Dude. You’ve studied this.”

“Yeah. I’ve been hit in the head by my surfboard more than once. I wasn’t going to rely on my MIND.”

“So where were we, Dude?”

“Don’t be so downcast, Lamont. It’s not like the places are real in any real sense. Somewhere in Asia, probably. Maybe Alberta. I don’t really know.”

“Wow. All this time I’ve imagined…”

“I know, buddy. I know. Reality is a bitch.”


Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

20 thoughts on “Lamont and Dude Confront Reality

  1. Would that we all had such long memories. The Girl & I had a Daddy-daughter date this weekend, and I spent a significant portion of our commute attempting to explain how much of our history has been romanticized, mythologized, and fictionalized as well as how ‘fake news’ goes all the way back to the beginnings of recorded history. It left me feeling as dispirited as she was confused.

    • I think a lot of history has just been forgotten with no particular reason other than people move on. Mythologizing history is a way to bond a people who have no other ties (Thanksgiving). I dunno — even that is part of history. You’re in the generation who got the whole politicized diatribe of my generation teaching you. We thought we were real smart, but we were just as biased and uninformed as anyone else, and pretty angry at the same time. I didn’t realize this until I was on the senate at San Diego State and saw my peers, full professors who’d been doing that for 20+ years, waving their agendas and riding their hobby-horses through one classroom after another. One of my male students took a women’s studies course (he was required to take a diversity course). He had to get to know and interview and write about someone who was different from him. To do this he had to find the person, get permission and write a proposal. He picked me as I am a female, from a different part of the US, and from a different generation. His (white female teacher about 15 years younger than I) told him “No. She’s too much like you.” She’d never met me. Just one of the numerous small events in academia that showed me that it’s an exclusive old “boy’s” club like any other even with all the people of color, the lesbians, the gays, the trans, whatever. They’ve fucked with history, too.

      Writing Martin I had to machete my way through layers of revised history to get to the truth about attitudes toward leprosy in the 13th century. I had to slash and burn through the “marginalized” theory of the late 20th century that was based on Victorian perceptions (derived from Sir Walter Scott). I went to primary sources. History is concretion of prejudice.

    • It seems like some historians look through the backward telescope to find what they’re looking for rather than what’s really there. Pisses me off.

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