Lamont and Dude Discuss Romance

“Here’s a key. I had the locks changed. I broke up with Trina.”


“She’s off her nut. She even stalked me to the Tarpits.”

“That’s no good, Dude. You have strange luck with the females of the various species.”

“It just never makes sense, does it, Lamont.”

“Sure it does. It just as humans we think about it too much and we have expectations. It’s all because it takes so long for a human to reach adulthood. Remember when you were a salmon?”

“Lamont, you ate me during my very first spawn. I have no real experience with Salmon love.”

“Yeah. Sorry. Think of the times you were a single cell animal.”

“The word ‘think’ and the phrase ‘single cell animal’ are mutually exclusive, Lamont.”

“Good point. OK, when you were a — why do we always come back to this? I’m sure you were an ungulate once upon a time. Are you sure you don’t remember anything about it?”

“No, sorry Lamont.”

“OK, when you were a Smilodon. What was love like in your Smilodon life?”

“Well, it had its ups and downs.”

“Ha ha.”

“I’d usually find the scent markings of one or two randy males around the periphery of my territory…”

“You were a FEMALE Smilodon?”

“Yeah, so? Smilodon is as Smilodon does. Gender is just a frill in the exciting world of kill or be killed.”

“Nice rhyme.”

“Lots of Dr. Seuss in my current world.”


“Anyway, I’d get these peculiar feelings and rub against stuff and a male would appear. We’d go at it hot and heavy — I had no choice, really, it was an invisible itch. Then several months later a cub or two would show up.”

“Where was the male then? Did he hang around to help with the kids?”

“Smilodons had cubs, not kids. Kids come from goats and WHAT a delicacy they were.”

“Splitting hairs, Dude. You know what I mean.”

“Hares were good, too.”

“Har-dee har har. What happened with the progeny?”

“I loved them, fed them, cleaned them, trained them. Kept them away from their father who’d have eaten them. When they were older, they took off and I went back to chasing mastodons such as yourself into the tarpits.”

“That’s my point. So you and — what’s her name?”


“Right. So you and Trina did the deed, had some laughs, quaffed some brew and you moved on. What else WOULD you do?”

“She said I was afraid of commitment.”

“That’s not true. I’ve known you for thousands of years. I think you just wanted a superficial fling a la Smilodon Love.”

“Maybe. I don’t know what I want, but yeah, it was just no fun any more.”

“There you are. That explains the little note I saw taped to the Lifeguard Stand, ‘For a good time, call Dude’.”

“You wrote that.”

“How’s it worked out so far?”

Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their past incarnations which gives them an unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.

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