“Percussus sum sicut foenum, et aruit cor meum.” —Ps. ci.
But my bereavement-pain
It cannot bring again:
Twice no one dies.
But, since it once hath been,
No more that severing scene
Can harrow me.
Birds faint in dread:
I shall not lose old strength
In the lone frost’s black length:
Strength long since fled!
Leaves freeze to dun;
But friends can not turn cold
This season as of old
For him with none.
Tempests may scath;
But love can not make smart
Again this year his heart
Who no heart hath.
Black is night’s cope;
But death will not appal
One who, past doubtings all,
Waits in unhope.
Long long ago in a dormitory not so far away — five hours — I was confronted with this poem. At the time my dad was in a nursing home in Colorado Springs, his life suspended between a reclining wing-backed chair and a coma. Most Fridays I got on the Continental Trailways bus which I caught at the terminal in downtown Denver. Thinking about it, I can still smell the winter air and diesel wafting from the cold garage into the bus terminal waiting room with its chrome-armed benches and light green plastic upholstery from which the original pattern of pale ice cubes remained only on the sides where no one sat. $1.85 to get to Colorado Springs. I always had that, whatever expenses the week brought.
I stepped up the three steps with my little blue suitcase carrying homework and underwear (backpacks hadn’t become “the thing” yet), and handed my ticket to the conductor and took my seat by the window. Sometimes there was someone sitting beside me with stories to tell, often not. I wondered if my boyfriend would meet my bus or my mom. Usually it was my boyfriend, a man I later married, but that’s a subject for a blog post that will remain unwritten.
“Go see your dad,” said my mom when I walked in the front door, as if I needed to be told.
Whatever I found at the nursing home, I stayed. If he were lying in a coma, I did homework. If he were sitting up, we talked. By that time his speech was very garbled and he often used a Ouija board (imagine!) as an alphabet board to spell out the words he wanted to speak. He would point with his finger — spastic though his hands were, frustrating though it was for this short-tempered Irishman — and we would talk, sometimes for hours. He would tell me what to buy my mom to give her for Christmas, birthday, anniversary from him. His gifts to my mom were always something lovely. I would go to the new mall, The Citadel, filled with importance, carrying the checkbook that was our joint checking account, make the purchase and buy a mushy card on which Dad would scrawl what he could of the words, “I love you, Bill.” I always hoped that a gift would fix everything. I wonder if my dad hoped that, too.
Then the day came when I learned once and forever that hope is not enough. That paradoxical human thing without which we cannot live, but which cannot, in itself, keep anything alive, except itself. Hardy’s poem, which had been completely incomprehensible to me when I studied it the year before my father’s death, suddenly made too much sense, but it had a message I’ve retained all my life, “Twice no one dies…” followed by, “
… But death will not appal
One who, past doubtings all,
Waits in unhope.
I spent the next three months pretty much alone at school, avoiding friends, studying, trying to make sense of life without my best friend. My dad’s death was a rocket that shot me into a universe none of my peers seemed to inhabit. I could see them from a distance, but I couldn’t hear them.
It took a L–O–N–G time to understand hope, and, again, Thomas Hardy (whose poetry I had in a HUGE book, The Poems of Thomas Hardy, by that time, not just in my even HUGER anthology of Victorian poetry) spoke to me in his poem, “The Darkling Thrush”
I leant upon a coppice gate
When Frost was spectre-grey,
And Winter’s dregs made desolate
The weakening eye of day.
The tangled bine-stems scored the sky
Like strings of broken lyres,
And all mankind that haunted nigh
Had sought their household fires.
The land’s sharp features seemed to be
The Century’s corpse outleant,
His crypt the cloudy canopy,
The wind his death-lament.
The ancient pulse of germ and birth
Was shrunken hard and dry,
And every spirit upon earth
Seemed fervourless as I.
At once a voice arose among
The bleak twigs overhead
In a full-hearted evensong
Of joy illimited;
An aged thrush, frail, gaunt, and small,
In blast-beruffled plume,
Had chosen thus to fling his soul
Upon the growing gloom.
So little cause for carolings
Of such ecstatic sound
Was written on terrestrial things
Afar or nigh around,
That I could think there trembled through
His happy good-night air
Some blessed Hope, whereof he knew
And I was unaware.
Featured photo: Bus station in Colorado Springs back in the day… My dad had multiple sclerosis, diagnosed when he was 27, died when he was 45. I was 20.
9 thoughts on “Thomas Hardy vs. Grief”
So heartbreaking and yet hopeful, Martha. Such beautiful writing, from both you and Mr. Hardy.
Thank you ❤
Two beautiful poems, Martha, and they do say it all. This struck a huge chord with me, as you’ll no-doubt understand, as I know all about waiting in unhope…
I used to buy my dad’s gifts to my mum for him too, and I recognise those fragile hands. I was older than you were when you lost your dad, but I still recognise the feelings of being shot into a different universe. One with a very big black hole in it. ❤
Thank you for sharing this. I wonder if Love has been in your thoughts lately. It has been in mine, and it happens that courtly love and Thomas Hardy came to mind while I was trying to think of some good fiction to read. Both have appeared in your recent posts — coincidence?
No pressure but I’d love to read more about your experience with romantic relationships. I feel like I would learn something important that could also be applied to my life.
P.S. Best wishes on the book launch.
Thank you!!! 🙂
I don’t think I can write about my romantic relationships. They’re all failures (domestic violence had a big part in most of them) except at illustrating the fine line between reality and surreality. However, my current “love” relationship has all the accoutrements of courtly love. I actually set out to write about that yesterday (?) but then I thought it would be wrong. I suppose if I didn’t respect the guy (who is 7000 miles away) I might write about it. I don’t think everyone is cut out for domestic bliss — I don’t think I was, and I think I knew it long ago, but I tried anyway. I hope that’s not true of you. What I see around me is a mixed bag, but for the most part people seem to value their partners especially when they are older. ❤
It would be nice if you’re right about people valuing their partners when they’re older. That’s encouraging for a 45-year old who’s never been in a serious relationship.
Thanks to my parents, and I suppose my way of processing what I observed, bliss was not a word I associated with domestic. In my case, I knew I wasn’t ready for a “real relationship” and only very recently have I felt I could try.
Well, surely there’s a way to write some observations and lessons learned while also respecting the guy and relationship. 🙂 Oh, it could be a writing challenge!
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