“Lamont, should I get candy for the Trick-or-Treaters?
“No. I mean why? Everything dies. It’s the least unique factor of life. Why are people afraid of the dead, anyway? Every time they dig up some old bones from, well, the very olden days everyone is very excited and it gets written up in the media and the identification of these beings is based on just two teeth, the fragment of a jawbone and a scrap of femur! Then they tell us they found Early Egyptian Fascist Eight-Legged Arachno-Whale or something.”
“You’re in a mood.”
“Yeah, I guess so. But no. I want to do what we always do. Turn off the lights, lock the door and pretend it’s not happening. We’ve never passed out candy. Why now?”
“I heard some kids on the beach. They were saying that because our house is never lit up for Hallowe’en they’re sure it’s haunted and they want to break in and find the ghosts.”
“That would be be a lot of fun, Dude. Think about it. I’d love that. Scaring little kids?”
“They’re not little. They’re tweens or whatever.”
“Ah. You’re going to let yourself be bullied by a bunch of pre-adolescent zit-magnets?”
“You forget. They’re immortal.”
“That’s just what they think. It’s not true.”
“At their age, what they think is all that matters. So you want me to get candy or not?”
“Do you have the Smilodon suit here at home?”
“Yeah. Haven’t done any Smilodon acting since Covid. Why?”
“I remember when you were REALLY a Smilodon and you were pretty damned scary. I was a mastodon and you took me down.”
“I wasn’t alone and there was that thing of all that tar covered in leaves and stuff. I couldn’t have done it alone.”
“But the long scary teeth, Dude. The teeth.”
“Lamont, I don’t know how to tell you this, and I haven’t told the people at the museum, but NO child is EVER fooled into thinking I’m anything but a man in a Smilodon suit.”
“Too bad we don’t have Velociraptor suits.”
“I think you’d get farther with the oak tree. A walking, talking, oak tree? That would be a very scary thing.”
Lamont and Dude are characters I came up with a few years ago. They have the uncanny ability to remember many of their previous incarnations which gives them a unique perspective on life, the universe and everything.
8 thoughts on “Lamont and Dude Ponder Hallowe’en”
I have sometimes opened the door to trick or treaters and shouted ‘boo!’ at them. Then tell them ‘that’s your trick’! Only after being pestered several times…
I do like Lamont. I lock the front gate, turn off the porch light and wait until it’s over. I can’t really open the door to the kids with the dogs I own now and if I put the dogs outside and people ring the bell? The dogs go nuts. I live with the dogs so they get priority.
Very sensible. I tend to turn out the lights x
Jeezuz Lamont, just buy a bag of candy at the dollar store and can the bullshit! 🙂
😆😜 then I’d have nothing to write!
I get it, Lamont. The world is scary enough! Of course no one would believe the mastodon and smilodon (and yes, even with the long teeth!). It’s not as sensational as the ridiculous things they see now that they believe. Was Lamont ever Sasquatch? Just curious as the hunt for him is still happening in my neck of the woods. 😬🤣 The picture you used. It’s perfect. Well-done on putting the characters in place–it’s cute!
Sasquatch is here, too. 🙂
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