Enveloped

Three inches of snow fell in the night, enveloping my small world. I know during the interlude of dogs being awake and my not being awake, there was a big snow party outside. I don’t know what’s on the agenda (agenda, ha ha) for later but I HOPE it’s me, Bear, the Refuge, snow and sunlight, but the snow could go fast today. My Facebook memories told me earlier that the first snow of the year has fallen twice on exactly this date (November 13/14) and those two years were fine, snowy winters so paws and fingers crossed. Almost enough snow to put the skis down, but not quite. If it were heavier, I might give it a shot.

Today I hope to finish my article about Saturday’s soiree. I’m still tired from it. Crazy. I’m wondering how long it takes for the effects of Covid to fully go away from the human brain and body. I still feel alienated and disengaged from my own life. I’m struggling to find a hand or finger hold somewhere that feels authentic, but so far no luck except the dogs and the odd moment out at the Refuge. Most of the rest of the things I do feel like someone else play acting “Martha.”

I’ve wondered if maybe it’s not Covid per se, but a lingering hangover from the last several years, but I didn’t feel this way before I got sick.

This blog has been so important to me in staying somewhat grounded and in the world of before. Writing sonnets has been very good, but extremely difficult. I feel like I was chugging along happily and freely, I got sick, and I’m no longer chugging happily along. It’s like I remember a person, but I’m not that person. I think feeling authentic matters a lot, and I don’t. A little research shows me this is a “thing,” along with depressive symptoms after Covid, especially in older adults with the additional good news that it lasts a long time.

OH well…

One of the women at my table during the soiree had had Covid twice. It was nice to hear what she had to say about lingering stuff.

Writing feels real and I think painting will feel real. If I finish the article today, I’ll give the Molly Ski painting a shot. I’ve been thinking about it and may have figured out how to do the underpainting. That’s been weird, too. I feel like I have the dextrous skills, but not the mind, the ability to see and imagine.

My big white dog just came in with snowballs in her furry feet. I can’t take her out yet, but wow. I hope I can soon.

Thanks for listening.

24 thoughts on “Enveloped

  1. We’ve had only a dusting so far. I came out of a “meeting” on Saturday (met some former co-workers in a brewpub since one was in town for the weekend) to snow sticking – it had been coming down while I rode downtown but not yet accumulating. By later this week the temperature is expected to stay below freezing all day. Is Bear burrowing into the snow in that photo? I am so glad I have no lingering COVID effects. It sounds awful and I wish you well.

    • I think (and you certainly know) the anti-viral you took helps you avoid this. I wasn’t even very sick when I was sick. Nor was the woman I talked to the other evening. This morning I’m so frustrated by it I just want to cry. I appreciate the good wishes.

  2. Maybe the solution is to let go of Martha the human and try out being Martha the dog for a while.

    I know it sounds strange but our dogs seem so much closer to real than I am. They have a better idea of what is important in life. Sometimes I just follow their lead.

  3. I think this is the first time, to me, that you sound really tired. And I wish research showed more than ‘it’s a thing.’ Have a great walk with Bear. I noticed little Teddy was not included in the walk?

    • Yeah it’s been a struggle, honestly, and I am tired and a little scared. OH well. it’s what it is and I’ll have to contend with it. Bear and I took a walk just us two in the snow and while we were out there a snow shower passed through adding more magic. I took Teddy by himself yesterday. Somehow he understood that and didn’t try to come along. I’m not sure snow is the thing for him it is for Bear.

  4. Both of our today posts reference snow – lol! Me, on how I do NOT like it ; ) . Reason I’m in TX, not in CO. I swear I would hibernate like a bear, order grocery delivery and do church and tai chi on zoom. Aquafit not so much, but yes for Zumba – so I’d be golden. Come out in the Spring rubbing my eyes like – oh! Just remembered – spent 4 years on the southern shores of Lake Erie. Learned about Seasonal Affective Disorder… Anyway, about the Covid blues – that and everything else in my life finally got me asking for a little pill, tee hee! I hope you get good snowshoe weather soon, and sunny days that don’t melt your fun. I’m having perfect weather for my “Drowned Flowers” series, so all is good. Ciao, ciao!

    • Ah — winter by Lake Erie is very different from winter here. That’s why I didn’t retire to Montana — I didn’t want the short winter days. We have sunshine most of the time in winter and the days are not as short as they are further north. My SAD is a-typical. I’m a winter person so this is paradise for me. I liked it OK in Southern California because I could get up to the mountains if it snowed. ❄️

        • It’s real. I didn’t invent it. As soon as the days are perceptively shorter, my life starts improving. My main symptom is anxiety, but the year I had my Major Depressive Crisis, it started in May and began to lift in September. That has been the pattern, but knowing what is going on is a big help to me.

          “Summertime SAD. You’ve probably heard about seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, which affects about 4% to 6% of the U.S. population. SAD typically causes depression as the days get shorter and colder. But about 10% of people with SAD get it in the reverse — the onset of summer triggers their depression symptoms. Cook notes that some studies have shown that in countries near the equator – such as India – summer SAD is more common than winter SAD. Why do seasonal changes cause depression? Experts aren’t sure, but the longer days, and increasing heat and humidity may play a role. Specific symptoms of summer depression often include loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, weight loss, and anxiety.”

          https://www.webmd.com/depression/summer-depression

  5. That must be so frustrating and I’m sorry that you’re caught up in the crazy swirl that is long covid. May you regain your balance and sense of self very soon.

  6. I’m sorry, MAK. I hear you and understand. You did a great job at explaining something that is not easily describable. You’re enveloped in the goodness of writing, precious Bear and Teddy, the snow, and the mountains. Your soul and body sound enveloped by an entity that didn’t exist prior to Covid. Having been through major depression, and health issues (including Covid), I sit with you in support of what you’re feeling and pray for relief. I’m so glad you’re here. Love, Finn and me 💕🙏🏻 we will supposedly have snow tonight~only an inch. My bones hurt but my spirit loves it way better than the humidity in the summer!

    • Bear said an inch is good! Thank you for understanding, Karla. I know the difference NOW because sometimes I am me and that makes it very clear. I think it is only a matter of time. I’m very glad you and Finn are there to hear me ❤️🐾❄️

      • Right, Bear?! An inch is a HUGE amount for a Finley!🐾 I understand for sure, MAK. When I’m me I find my clarity. I drove the furthest I have in months and months this weekend. Everyone had my “route” . When I got close to KC I wanted to keep going North and take my old route West from Sioux Falls (?) and go towards South Dakota, then Montana…I cried driving feeling like “me”. I spent 1/2 of today at the dr’s and will go back Thursday. The pain from taking the drive caught up. The fuzzy and confused me looked at pics to remember who I really am. And now I’ll sleep a lot and still have questions, why?? Oh well,…I’m learning to flow with the fluid. Finn and I thank you too. 🙏🏻💛💕🥰🐾🐾🐾

        • I’m glad you made that drive!!!! So far I haven’t found anywhere I want to go; I want to ski. If I do that, I’ll feel psychically better, but I’m not fighting cancer (to my knowledge) just Covid residue and old age (which is a privilege). Sleeping a lot and questions seem to be totally normal for where you are right now. I’m still sleeping a lot, too. I think we’re both going to beat this rap and come out of it more us than before with knowledge we didn’t have. 💕🐾🐾

          • Thank you so much!!! If you ski OR snowshoe are you going to let someone know where you are (asking for a friend 🤪😜)…this is what people say to me that love me …so there! 😉
            I love your thought…we can beat this rap! Yay! And more knowledge…I’ve learned things I never thought I’d want to know. But it’s knowledge! 💪🏻❤️💕🐾

            • It’s OK. I recognize that as love. ❤️ If I ski anywhere but the golf course (a block away), I’ll find a friend to go with me and I let people know. I owe my life to my dogs and I won’t fuck with that. The sick thing about knowledge is that we don’t always want it.

  7. We had 3 inches and I took photos but the biggest thing was the silence. The snow muted everything – the birds, the traffic, even the trees were silent (not a single rustling leaf)! I’m glad Bear and you were able to go out and enjoy the snow. Mochi had a little happy dance and was anxious to go investigate down the street. We had a really good laugh at her expense. She saw the paw prints (she had made in the yard) and had to try to figure out who the interloper was that dared walk in her yard!! Nose in the snow and sniffing all over – finally she decided to pee and mark her territory! Dogs! Anyway I hope the fatigue and distance from normal disappear soon. Hugs Martha!

    • ❤️ Thank you, Val. The silence of snow is such a beautiful thing. I love it. Dogs are hilarious — I’m going to post photos and the story tomorrow. Bear and I had a wonderful time.

  8. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with long Covid. It sounds much like my own “quart low” issue with leaking cerebral spinal fluid (a similarity that’s been noted in medical journals), right down to lethargy and not recognizing myself at times. Your attitude is perfect; getting mad doesn’t help. Dogs, and being outside with dogs, are the best remedy. I hope you get that extra dollop of snow so you can take your skis out for a spin! And hey, at least you’re writing (unlike me)!

    • I’m writing articles and they are like assembling a jig-saw puzzle. I’m truly putting into practice everything I taught in college writing classes. I’m even using Grammarly. Doesn’t need inspiration, just skill, and I get paid a little something which is good since you know, the refrigerator…

      It’s very scary not being recognizable to oneself. I think knowing WHY is very helpful. A yes; getting outside with the dogs is the best reminder I could have of who I am and what matters to me, but sometimes, I just want to cry. How can you deal with this? 💚

      • In a word: practice. And acceptance, which I think you’ve mostly acquired. Yes, knowing WHY is critical; not knowing is torture. Crying helps wash the bad/sad emotions out when they overwhelm. Practice allows you to learn how to observe the signs/signals early on so you can be proactive in counterbalancing them with… hugging a dog, going for a walk/ski, sleeping, writing, whatever engages your best self. Adjusting expectations for yourself is another good tool. That was perhaps the hardest for me. And naps. Be like your dogs: take a daily nap 🙂

        • It’s not all that surprising that the dogs KNOW. I want to paint, but I’m not sure I can. I’ve finished all the writing I’ve contracted for, so maybe??? I think you are right; learning to observe the signals — I’m not there yet. Thank you, Rebecca.

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